I have gone over my downfall into an eating disorder as well as my treatment but recovery and relapse is a whole other story. My recovery story isn’t cut and dry like some. I recovered once and then relapsed and have been recovering from that for years now. I thought recovery was something that would happen quickly and be effective but that is rarely how it goes.
I discussed my downfall into anorexia and starting to get help but I thought that my recovery and relapse deserved their own post. I am someone who recovered fully then relapsed and have been recovering from that for years now. It has taken me much longer this time around and I think that many people experience many relapses with these types of disorders.
When starting treatment in nutrition, therapy, and normal doctors I was very angry and did not want to do it at all. In time I think I realized that the only way to be able to be independent again was to recover and that really pushed me. I have never been someone who likes to be dependent or really is dependent so my weakness was very troubling to me.
The nutritionist is something that took me forever to get use to, tracking my every meal seemed crazy and going over it week by week seemed even crazier. But slowly this started to make me gain weight. It took forever since every pound I gained gave me an internal breakdown.
However, once I started to get more energy from eating better and was able to do everything I loved it really impacted me. I got up to almost healthy weight and they let me stop treatment..which in hindsight I think was where things went bad again. I know it was only a few pounds difference but still being underweight made me want to loose it again, I think getting to a healthy weight would have helped a lot.
Relapse is a crazy thing because my family thought I was all good and healthy and then a month later it looked like I had never gained weight. I felt bad that I had fallen into it again but I think I liked the feeling of being so thin more. It becomes a real addiction with managing calories, working out, and loosing weight; its a lot to juggle but people with the disorders end up loving it.
For the last few years I have been trying to recover from that second downfall but as of today I am still underweight. Not far and I try to eat as much as possible but I cannot bring myself to just eat all day and not exercise to gain weight. I think overall that would make me feel even worse than any of this.
Let me know if you have ever been through an eating disorder or just a hard time. If you have or if you are right now it gets better I promise. And do not feel bad reaching out to people…they are always there to help.