I started writing in a word doc to clear my mind and I thought “I can’t be the only one dealing with this kind of thing.” So here I am, basically sharing my personal thoughts and struggles on the internet, and what is suppose to be a beauty blog turning into my mental health outlet again. Writing things down helps many people and so here goes nothing. Just sharing my life with you all and seeing how it goes.
College sucks, it really just sucks. I am at that point in my life where I feel like I am going no where, have no calling, will never succeed, and just am very depressed about it honestly. On top of all of that I am only 19! To me it seems a little early for me to be hitting a “give up on dreams and work a dead end job” spot in my life. I mean I don’t think I am the only one who has hit this spot, obviously I’m not because I’ve read about others hitting this spot and someone reading this is maybe at this point in life. I am going to rephrase what I started off with…college doesn’t suck, my mental state, work ethic, and support systems suck…that is what sucks here. College isn’t doing anything wrong but my mind and I am.
In high school I half assed all of my assignments but I still wasn’t depressed and I had a dream and a drive for life. Now I have none of that, well actually I have the wish to gain that in my life. I want to succeed and create a business, become famous, something along those lines… all of the normal dreams. I just have this feeling that I will never get there and that it is even pointless to try. I don’t know how to even start to get to where I want. I love beauty, hair, fashion, all the normal girly stuff but the community for all of these is so oversaturated and I don’t want to just work in ULTA as a job, I want to make it big. However, I am not great at any of these things…I don’t really have a talent for anything and that makes finding something to succeed in very hard.
I started a blog a few months ago but don’t know what to write about, I don’t engage in the community and I don’t keep a good writing schedule. Plus it takes so long to actually make it in blogging and I don’t have that kind of attention span. I also started a youtube channel but I am not good at it and I don’t know what to make videos about, so its rough. Making it on youtube is so easy for some people but so hard in general because of how many creators are out there. And honestly, all of them are better at what they do than I am so how am I even suppose to compete in that market.
I spent the night dying my hair grey…it turned out terrible, like no color on the roots, and almost blue for the rest, so I am going to have to figure out how to fix it in the morning before work. I also started reading Jaclyn Hill interviews and she said how you have to be true to you and just work harder than anyone else in order to succeed in what you want to do. So much easier said than done, isn’t it? I am also listening to ‘The Greatest Showman’ soundtrack because it is inspirational as hell but it means nothing if I don’t know how and can’t succeed.
Recently, if you can’t already tell, my mental state has been at an all time low. I haven’t been wanting to get out of bed, I am so behind in classes and I want nothing more than to never have to actually do anything in life again. Not that I am suicidal, I wouldn’t kill myself. I think it would be easier to do that than deal with failure in life. But the thing is I want to succeed and make a name for myself sooooooo bad and when you want that you don’t want to commit suicide. I want nothing more than to look back at this part of my life in a few years from my mansion or while at my dream job and think “wow, if only I knew back then where I would end up.” I want to have that success story, I want to have that inspirational life story that lets everyone know life can always get better but I just don’t want to put in the effort. I know I have to take that first step and keep going from that point on to achieve what I want but my attention span is so short and I don’t know if I can get through all of those hardships.
I am honestly just starting this writing because I needed and wanted to get my thoughts down, I’m not going to go back and read this probably ever but I needed to write down what I thought and try to clear my mind.